Monday, May 25, 2015
Friday, May 22, 2015
I Think This Has Been The Longest Year of My Life
It’s been little over a year since my mom passed away, but to me it seems like she’s been gone way, way longer. It feels more like five, ten, fifteen, or dare I say twenty years has passed. I guess that just goes to show how much, I miss her.
I think about my mom like every day. I walk by her pictures. I stop, take a moment, and I just stare at them. Upon first glance I stare at her eyes, and then I work my way down to her smile. I love looking at her beautiful smile in those pictures. I know this might sound a bit mundane or corny, but it always feels like she’s smiling right at me. Looking at me like she’s proud of me, like where ever she is right now, she’s happy, and that she’s okay. Oh how I miss that beautiful smile of hers, and that gentle laugh that often times came with it.
My mom, she loved to laugh, she loved to dance, and she loved to cook. I swear, whenever I would come home she always had my favorite meals that I enjoyed eating, just waiting for me. However long I was home to visit it seemed like every day was like a feast, full of good food and good conversation. Oh how I miss that. We would sit, eat, and talk for hours all while enjoying each other’s company. She would get me caught up on the latest family gossip, and I would tell her about what was going on in my life. She always seemed so happy while I was there, like she had no worries in the world, like she was so happy to see me. I guess you could say she liked having me around. Sadly today I can echo that same sentiment, ‘I liked having her around.’ I guess I got a bit spoiled in that regard.
Whenever it was time for me to leave and head back to Atlanta, I always felt like I had gained ten pounds. She would always say with a smile, “That extra weight looks good on you.” I would just look at her, smile back, give her a hug, and try to pry myself away before I can find a reason to stay longer. Nevertheless, it was always so hard for me to leave. Being around my mom and just feeling her loving spirit always energized me. Whenever I felt burnt out I would just come home, get some of that down home cooking, feel the love of her warm embrace, and I was good to go until next time. It saddens me when I think that there are no more next times, no more hugs, no more home cooked meals, no more gentle kisses on the cheek. Again, I guess I got a bit spoiled in that regard.
When I come home now yeah my dad’s there. Don’t get me wrong because I love him dearly, but of course there’s a different kind of affection that I had for my mom. She was the glue that held me, my brother, and my dad together. The special sauce on our Big Mac, she was our rock. Sadly I must say I’m starting to get use to things, yet when I come home to visit and check on my dad I can still feel her presence. There’s a certain calm and peace when I walk through the door that could only mean one thing, ‘Mama’. So I embrace that. I’m embrace that with the feeling of knowing that she is still here in spirit making me feel loved and relaxed, still making me feel right at home. She used to always tell me, “Make your home your sanctuary.” She was right, home should be your sanctuary. Home is where he heart is. It should be a place you go to get away from the everyday drama of life outside those walls. I guess that’s why I love my peace and quiet, love being free of drama, and try to stay away from those people that seem to always have drama floating around in their life. Unfortunately for me I don’t have my mama anymore to come home too, but I still have her home as my private sanctuary that reminds me, of her love. I guess I’ll take that.
Eddie L Oliver
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